Loving with Limits

I know now what it means to love someone with limits...

I've tried and tired to help and make it work but there comes a point in one's life when the final breaking point has been met. Loving someone with an addition is the hardest love there is. At times you're on top of the world. These are the times when their at their best. The brief moment when they're sober and the ounces of their true personality peaks out. They genuinely tell you how much you mean to them. On the flip side of the coin, when their screwed up their personality transforms into this horrible person taking shelter in a shell of a person you loved and cared about. Your heart just breaks and aches with an unfillable hole right in the middle.

You put me through Hell as a child. You left me living in trailers, RVs and travel trailers- at times without running water, electric, a working shower or even a our only vehicle to get help while you were selfishly out getting your fix for days upon weeks. Apparently it was more important than your suffering family.

You left your wife, my mother and the only reason I came out a productive young woman, without a ride to work, causing her to walk miles to work. She was forced to work because we never knew whether you would be moving on to your next job as you always did. As soon as the jobs caught on to your lies and cover-ups... it was only a matter of time before they either fired you or you ran. Mom would work double shifts to make sure I was provided for along with scratching from every source possible to make ends meet. mom and I were regulars at the local food bank and churches to help with utilities. I always knew to eat more than I needed at school so I wouldn't be hungry at home later. She was the sole, stable supporter of a broken family. I still don't know how she put up with that lifestyle all these years. Was it Love? I guess she was trying to hide the ugly reality, but little did she know I would find your imperfections  hidden in my dresser drawers and even in my shoes. I was so relieved when she finally divorced you in 2003 and freed herself from a life of pain and disappointment.

I still don't understand how you could have been so selfish all those years. You missed out on so much. You missed choir concerts, drama performances, drill team meets, NJROTC ceremonies, high school football games, flag competitions, prom night, my high school graduation, and had to even be threatened to attend my wedding ceremony (even though I am now divorced). You flaked out on birthdays, holidays and and the special moments of my life.

I always thought one day I'd find you dead or get a call one day saying you'd did yourself in because you couldn't give up your nasty habit. You lie, you cheat, and you steal- anything to get the temporary feel.

You say you quit for 7 years. I was so proud of you. I started giving our relationship a chance and let you back into my life. I introduced you to the people that have made my life wonderful. I trusted you again. You failed me.

I tried to be there because I felt I was the only one who would help you when you were in need.

You got out of alcohol detox Saturday after being taken in from the paramedics and admitted from a 3-day benge that landed you alcohol poisoning. Apparently, your landlord found you breathing but unconscious. You looked horrible. Typical ETOH withdrawals- shakiness, sweatiness, loss of energy and lack of motivation. You couldn't walk straight or even sign your name. When I took you to my house for the weekend, you nearly slept around the clock. You came to what could've been a great family day with your daughters and grand kids- you sat there isolated and depressed and completely disassociated  (hyped up on the whisky pint you drank before attending).

Tonight I went to your place after a concerned call I got. I got word that you were depressed, caughing up blood from over alcohol consumption... among other things. When I got there, I found you drunk with bottles surrounding you. I called the paramedics to try to help you out of this slumber. You declined help and had the nerve to lecture me about possible felony charges over the accusations of drug use- I'm not sorry for caring.

Drugs and  alcohol ruin more lives then your own, Dad.

I love you but I can't do this anymore...