Knowing When to Stay Under The Radar

Knowing when and when not to keep a low profile is challenging. For the lack of better words or putting it bluntly: knowing when to shut your mouth, butt out of the conversation and leave you two cents out of it. I've always had a sense of social anxiety and this makes me seem awkward to people at times. I've always tried to fit in where I can, but on my own terms- not losing myself and my personality in the process. I'm often quiet at first and as time goes on, I tend to get a sense of what is acceptable and form accordingly (knowing boundaries). In grade school, I was always shy and often bullied because of my unusual name. As I developed from childhood to adolesence, people changed the way they viewed me. They were nicer to me and perhaps, a little more accepting. I started to form a raw attitude, I didn't let people run over me anymore. I started to stand up to the taunts and comments of people. Overnight, I developed a different reputation by far. I hung out with most of the same people. We all had the same changed interests. Aside from my changed attitude, I develped physically aswell causing boys to noticed me more often too. High school brought a mix of emotions and reputations. For the first half, I was accepted into a group of like nature- rebellious and outgoing. For the second half, I joined more extra curricular activities that went against most of the social norms within the group I had unofficially been made a member of. Therefore, things changed for me. I became more responsible and aware of the reputations that may be formed of me in the community if I continued of the path I was dangerously on. I changed my lifestyle, yet again. My high school flame and I parted ways, I formed new friends, changed my appearance, and formed a leadership disposition. The leadership persona landed me to be socially awkward (yet again) and made it hard to fit in to the "cool" crowd. However, I stepped up to the plate and started making myself accountable for the commitments I made and decided to join the military after high school. I was 17 years old. After I was medically discharged from the US Air Force, I made mulitple failed attempts at community college until I decided to live life by traveling and working as a Certified Nursing Assistant. Throughout this experience, I found it hard to form new friendships and step out of my comfort zone. During my employment, I've always tried to remain anti-political. I enjoyed socializing with co-workers, but always kept a distance. My mom always instilled in me that there is a big difference between work life and home life (dispite the relationship that formed between Martin and I- he is the exception and we no longer work together). There is an importance in knowing how to make boundaries. I guess this is why I seem to to the same in my recent college experiences. It is not that I don't like to make new friends, I have a hard time knowing what to do or say to form a friendship. Oftentimes, I try to make a commonality within experiences in the conversation or make an offer to put forth information or things to people. Consequently, that can be seen annoying by "being a know-it-all". My intentions are purely to make productive conversation and to be helpful. I don't want to seem boring, I know I have things to bring to the plate. I am just a very independent person and find it hard to relate to many people. One day, I hope to overcome this fear of social acceptance and social anxiety. It will take alot of hard work and self reliance. But until then, bear with me. I know who my friends are- they are the one's who have been with me (no matter how weird, moody, and ever changing I am). My family is always a concrete relationship for me also. People skills are an important aspect of one's social make-up and have a grave impact on the success or failure of someone. As much as I try to be social, I must learn that sometimes being a good listener is just as effective. Peace